The Waiting Room
by Iceworm
Summary: The family awaits the outcome of Seth's surgery. Final chapter now live.
1. Ryan

The Waiting Room

****

Ryan

__

Damn, fucking fog! Why did there have to be fog today? I didn't even want to go into LA. If I had stood my ground, we wouldn't be here. But, Seth was so persistent, and so insistent, and so determined that I'd like that damned movie that I gave in. From the smile he gave me, you'd think that I never went along with any of his crazy plans. But if only I hadn't this time... 

Ryan glances over to Kirsten and Sandy who are sitting on the other side of the hospital waiting room. Sandy has his arm around Kirsten's shoulders and as Ryan watches he leans in to say something to her. Kirsten doesn't seem to hear and continues staring out the window at the traffic rushing by on the freeway. But like Seth, Sandy is not one to give up or take silence for an answer. Sandy again leans toward her and whispers.

__

Summer would have gone ballistic today over Seth's driving. Seth would only have said that he was driving within his comfort zone. God, I'd give anything to hear them ripping into each other now. 

Seth's old lady instincts had been perfectly in tune with today's road conditions. Even with the fog, he'd seen the accidents ahead of them in plenty of time to stop safely. Unfortunately, the semi barreling along behind them had not been able to stop. It slammed the Range Rover into the growing pile of wreckage. Ryan awoke to find rescuers working to extricate him from what was left of Kirsten's car. Seth's comment that a Hummer was the ideal second car for the Cohens popped into Ryan's mind. He looked around to congratulate Seth on his insight and realized that he didn't know what had happened to Seth.

__

They should have gotten Seth out first. Seth's blood was everywhere. He was the one that needed help. Damn it, Seth. You kept asking if I was ok while they were getting you out. Why would you do that? You're my lifeline. You told me once that you knew, during that first video game, that I belonged with you and your family. You say such dumb things sometimes. What will it be like if you die? 

Would they want me around if you…? That's selfish. This isn't about me; it's about Seth - my friend. Please let him live God. You haven't heard from me in a long time, God. Up until now, I've kept our bargain: I haven't asked for anything. And You, You've given me nothing. But for some reason You changed the rules on me. You gave me a home with people who care about me, and a friend who treats me like I'm his brother. What do You want from me? Name the price; I'll pay it. But don't let Seth die. He's a good person - not like me. He doesn't deserve this. I'd rather go back to the way it was before.

The EMT's didn't want Ryan to ride along with them, brother or no. Maybe they gave in because they didn't think Seth would make it to the hospital. Ryan didn't want to think about that. He just wanted to be back with Seth but that didn't happen this time. One of the EMT's on the ride to the hospital loaned him a phone to call "their parents". Ryan's calls to Summer and Marissa would have to wait until after the ER doctors had finished with him.

__

Sandy was so quiet when I told him about Seth. I wish Kirsten and Sandy would get here. Damn LA traffic! Will Summer come? Will Marissa? Will Luke bring Marissa if she comes? It's still all about my problems, huh? Fool! Why doesn't someone tell me something? At least I got to see him for a minute before the orderly took him to surgery. He looked so thin and pale lying there against the white sheets.

Ryan followed the gurney as far as the elevator doors. He knew he had intended to sit down somewhere and wait for Sandy and Kirsten; but he was still there, standing in the hallway across from the elevators, when they got to the hospital. Ryan barely had time to tell them that Seth had gone up to surgery before they disappeared into a room with his surgeons. Ryan's heart sank when Sandy and Kirsten emerged from the conference. They looked almost as pale as Seth had in his hospital bed. 

__

The doctors in Emergency said the odds were good. What does that mean, the odds were good? It's not a damn horse race. It should be me in there. I'm stronger than he is. Besides, no one would really care anyway. Everything seems to have gotten worse since I came here. Seth may die and then I'd be alone and on my own again. I could go back, live that old life again. Right? I will not cry. 

Ryan brushes his arm across his eyes as he raises his head. Sandy and Kirsten are watching him from across the room. He gets up carefully from his chair. His body is stiff from sitting too long in one position and those great pain meds have finally worn off. Only an elderly couple seated near the receptionist's desk remains of the crowd that had filled the waiting room when they came up from Emergency. The crowded room was the reason why Ryan had had to sit apart from Sandy and Kirsten. He tells himself, as he crosses the waiting room, that he would have moved over to join them if he had only noticed there was room.

"Sandy, would you guys like me to get you something?" 


	2. Sandy

****

Sandy

__

Damn Fog! Damn, freak fog. We never have fog this time of year. The morning had been perfect for surfing. Why couldn't the day have stayed that way for the boys. Now I'm stuck in my own freaking fog. I've got to hold it together for Kirsten and Ryan; but this is the last place I want to be. I am so scared. What good is all the money now, Kirsten? That's not fair. Is what happened to Seth fair? Damn.

As Sandy got dressed after his morning trip to the beach, he could hear the boys preparing to leave for town. Everything was normal. The house buzzed with a steady stream of Seth chatter broken up occasionally by the slower, deeper tones of Ryan's responses. Last night at dinner, Ryan had been perfectly willing to wait for this "must see" movie to hit the multiplex, but not Seth. Nothing would do but that they use Kirsten's tickets to the premier and make a day of it. Sandy had had to hide a smile behind his napkin at Ryan's sour expression when Seth produced, with a flourish, his itinerary for their day in the city. The last thing Sandy heard Seth say as the boys left that morning was, if they were doomed to live out their youth in this gilded ghetto, they might as well enjoy the few perks it provided. Sandy didn't hear Ryan's response. He could only see Ryan smiling and shaking his head as he climbed into the passenger seat of Kirsten's car.

__

What would we do without Seth? Who'd supply us with our daily dose of sarcasm and attitude. Damn California drivers who wouldn't slow down -- even for fog. What could be that important? I'll sue their asses off. No, I won't. But God if felt good to say. Like I had some control over the situation. How much longer will it be?

How many hours ago was it that Ryan called? His voice was so choked and broken that Sandy had to ask him to repeat himself. Kirsten set a new personal record getting home from the club; but she left it to Sandy to get them to the hospital in one piece. The traffic around them seemed to move with glacial slowness. Today Sandy would have welcomed hearing the boys' sarcastic comments as he broke his own safe driving rules. Kirsten may have given him a reprieve from her questions but the hospital wasn't so lucky. Sandy had never seen her so angry when she disconnected from the hospital. Kirsten summarized her conversation with the ER receptionist as "I'm a constipated bitch who doesn't have to tell you anything. But we need you down here as soon as possible. Have a nice day."

__

A nice day? Ryan said Seth was in bad shape -- that I wouldn't have wanted Kirsten to see him. I did my best getting here but we missed him. Oh, but we arrived in time to sign the hospital's cover their ass release and to make sure all the insurance forms were in order. It's worse than Ryan thought. The doctors were right not to tell him much. Things could go so badly. And, we didn't see Seth!

Ryan was in the hallway when they arrived at the Emergency Room. He stood alone leaning against the wall, holding himself tightly as though he feared his body might fly apart if he relaxed for only a moment. He looked so young staring blankly at the closed elevator doors. Kirsten's touch on his shoulder brought him into her arms as though he had only been waiting for her to come. Sandy had never seen Ryan so open and vulnerable. Later, the three of them stood in the same place, holding onto each other, until the elevator came to take them up to the waiting room.

__

Kirsten, when did Ryan become so important to us? He looks so lost and alone. No kid should have to be that tough, that self-sufficient, all the time. I know it's worry over Seth but is there something else? Is he afraid we won't let him stay if Seth's gone? I wouldn't be any less afraid if it was Ryan in surgery now. Does Ryan realize that? How did he end up over there by himself? 

"Kirsten, Ryan needs us." Sandy's soft words bring Kirsten back from the view of the freeway. Headlights are starting to come on as the evening grows later. Together they gaze across the empty room at Ryan slumped forward in his chair. As they watch him he lifts his head and looks back at them with a sad, closed expression. He rises so slowly that Sandy berates himself for forgetting that Ryan was also hurt in the accident. Ryan crosses the waiting room to them and asks hesitantly if they would like anything.


	3. Kirsten

****

Kirsten

__

I shouldn't have let them go. Sandy said it was my decision. Coward! Seth just wore him down. But Tijuana was a long time ago. The boys had to get off restriction some day. I wish Ryan had been able to tell Sandy more about Seth. At least he's ok. Sandy just said to come home and get him. "Fatal, multi-car accident on freeway. Report at the top of the hour." Is that what Seth's life has been reduced to, a newscast headline? Sandy looks so worried.

Kirsten moved over to the passenger side of the car while Sandy readjusted the driver's seat. As Sandy floored the BMW out of the driveway, Kristen decided her questions for him could wait. The drivers out today seemed possessed by an urge to self-annihilation; and Sandy seemed all too willing to accommodate their desire if they wouldn't get out of his way. He wove in and out of the traffic, always looking for the opening that would let him gain another car length. His recklessness provided an answer of sorts to Kirsten's unspoken questions. Perhaps it was only a ploy on Sandy's part to distract her, but Kirsten agreed to his suggestion that she let the family know about the accident. However, her first call went to the hospital. The receptionist in Emergency was smugly institutional and maddeningly uninformative. Yes, Seth and Ryan had been brought to the hospital. No information on their injuries or condition could be released. No, not even to their parents. The boys' doctors needed to consult with their parents as soon as possible, however. 

Sandy marveled that the phone didn't shatter in her hand as she snapped it shut. Kirsten paused in her calling long enough to watch as Sandy slipped their car between two semis and then sped up to pass the lead truck on the right. Caleb got the first family call; but it was Gabrielle who answered his cell phone. Gabby apologized for Caleb who had gone out to break in his new yacht but she promised to have him call as soon as he came in. Did Kirsten think she should have the Lear Jet stand by? Sandy's affirmative to this question sent Kirsten's heart into her throat.

__

Did he tell me everything? It was nice of Gabby to ask about Ryan. Maybe there's more to Gabrielle than her obvious assets.

The next call went to Sandy's mother in New York. Kirsten passed on the little information she had and thanked her mother-in-law for the offer of prayers for Seth and Ryan from her prayer group at temple. Her offer of help when Seth came home, but only if Kirsten wanted it, brought a small ironic smile to Kirsten's lips. 

When had Mother Cohen learned tact? I thought it was a genetic defect. Seth and Sandy have never shown any sign of possessing it. Maybe this means I won't get another cookbook for Chanukah. No more additions to what Seth calls my Library of Lost Causes.

The little lift to her spirits lasted only until the recorded voice came on the line – "The number you have dialed is no longer in service." Kirsten was not surprised. Ryan's whole unhappy life with Dawn had been a series of one disconnect after another. Maybe his mother would get in touch with him before Ryan tried to contact her. Kirsten wasn't going to share this with him. Ryan didn't need another disappointment in his life just now.

Damn Dawn and her selfishness! Why couldn't she be there for Ryan this time. Poor Ryan, all alone at the hospital, waiting for word on Seth. Waiting for us. It's taking so long. I need to be with my baby. Seth would so not like me calling him that. What would we do if…? No, Sandy's mother is right. It's when Seth comes home, not if.

Ryan's hug was fierce and desperate. Kirsten responded to him with all the love she felt for this kid who had come into their home a stranger and had become so very important to her -- to all of them. Kirsten seemed to shrink within his arms when he told her that Seth had gone up to surgery already. Their moment together was broken by a wave of doctors and medical staff that swept Kirsten and Sandy into a conference room. As the door closed behind them, she saw Ryan, alone once again, settling himself down to wait.

When the surgeons had explained the last procedure in mind numbing detail, the final x-ray had been dutifully examined, and they had signed the last release form, Kirsten and Sandy left the conference room in a state of information overload and fear.Ryan was at their side as soon as they were out of the door. As they walked slowly toward the bank of elevators at the end of the hall, they explained Seth's condition to Ryan. His reaction to the news disturbed Kirsten. He asked no questions of them and offered no comment. Ryan's continued silence seemed to her be the first stage in a process of distancing himself from them. She feared he was slipping away from them to the place he had created where he could not be hurt when people he loved left him. Impulsively, Kirsten took Ryan's hand and brought it to her lips. His blue eyes were very bright when they met hers. Kirsten only smiled and squeezed his hand.

Ryan, you give away so little of yourself; but Seth is as important to you as he is to us. Oh God, if I could only do something for the two of you. Seth, if I had your grandmother's faith, I'd know better how to do this.

Lord, look into the hearts of these two boys. Both of them are good boys and each has the promise of growing into a good man if only he has the chance. Guide the hands of Seth's doctors, heal his injured body, and give him that chance. For Ryan, Lord, there are no organs to heal and no bones to mend, only a spirit damaged by abuse, neglect, and loss. Help Sandy and I to restore this child. Amen.


	4. Waiting

****

Waiting

Kirsten didn't know how long she had been staring out the window. It had been mid-afternoon when the three of them had arrived in the hospital's waiting room. Now the lights in the hospital's parking lot were coming on. Sandy had said something, something that had interrupted the bleak thoughts that kept endlessly repeating inside her head. What had Sandy said? She thought he'd said something about Ryan. She looked up at Sandy and he repeated, "Ryan needs us." She frowned slightly in puzzlement. Of course he needed us. Where was he? Sandy nodded off to the other side of the room where Ryan sat hunched forward in his chair, elbows resting on knees, his head in his hands.

He seemed to sense their attention. His head came up slowly and as he returned their stare Kirsten was struck by the change in his face since the craziness of last night's dinner. Real smiles, smiles that reached all the way to his eyes, had been rare when he first came to Newport; but they had come more frequently in the months since he arrived. Not even Tijuana had banished them completely; but the face staring back at them was a throwback to that awful first week of fear and sadness when his old life had died and his new life had gotten off to such a stumbling start. It was the fear in his eyes that threatened to undo her. As he walked over to them, it pained her to see the slowness of his movements. His slow pace wasn't the calculated taunt of a teenager bent on challenging his parents. She feared that his slowness came from an actual reluctance to talk to them as much as from the injuries he had suffered. Kirsten's hand closed on Sandy's arm as Ryan stopped in front of them. 

How like him to offer to do something for them. He always tries to please -- to make things better. Seth had confided to her that Ryan thought he was jinxed, always making things worse for those he loved. Kirsten's answer surprises Ryan and brings a quizzical look from Sandy. "We don't need anything Ryan but what do you want? You told me once that all you wanted was to be 17. But what do you really want?" Sandy laces his fingers through hers and squeezes softly. Kirsten shakes her head slightly and asks again, "Ryan, what do you really want?"

Ryan's eyes are turned away from them staring at the floor. His answer comes in a soft monotone, "I want to belong somewhere. I want to be able to go to school in the morning and know that when I come home in the afternoon someone will be there for me. Not a neighbor who takes pity on those poor kids ("Such a shame about their mother.") but someone who cares about me, who loves me." 

Kirsten's throat tightens but she continues, "Ryan, who does Seth say you are? I've heard him introduce you to people when he thought I wasn't around. Who does Seth Cohen say Ryan Atwood is?"

Ryan backs slowly away from them as Kirsten asks her questions. He stops after only a step or two. This time he does meet their eyes. There is a mixture of wonder and longing in his face. "Seth tells people I'm his brother. Just his brother, nothing about me being your ward, no explanation of why we have different last names, or why we look nothing alike. To the world, as far as Seth Cohen is concerned, I am his brother." Disbelief fills his voice. "It's like he's a little kid proudly showing off his new baby brother to strangers."

Tears are sliding down Kirsten's cheeks but she knows that she has to finish what she has started for all their sakes. Has to ask that one last question. In a tight voice she asks, "Ryan what are you afraid of?"

Ryan's face is a confusion of emotions: sadness, the fear that she'd seen before, and a flash of something else she can't identify. He stands before them, hugging himself, his head down, his chin resting on his chest. The carpet seems to have regained its fascination for him. With an effort that is painful to watch, he answers. "I'm afraid that Seth will die, but…," his voice trails off and the emotion that has puzzled Kirsten seems to be more pronounced on his face now. He rocks back and forth slowly and then tries again. "I'm afraid that Seth will die, but I'm also afraid that I'll have to leave if he dies. It scares me, the thought that I'll find myself back on a street corner again staring at another payphone. Only this time there's no one, no one to call, no one to rescue me."

Ryan hasn't stopped his slow back and forth rocking and now his eyes are starting to shine with moisture. Kirsten realizes that the emotion on Ryan's face that had puzzled her is despair. He takes a breath and the tears that had been only a threat before are now starting to roll down his cheeks. 

Ryan raises his head. "But what really frightens, terrifies, me, is that I'm turning into my parents. All the time I was growing up, everything was always about them. Trey and I never counted for anything. It was always about their next bottle or the next fix. We were only good for bigger welfare checks and for the charity we could wring from generous churches or softhearted landlords. My only friend could die and I can't stop worrying about how his death would effect me. I hate having these thoughts but I can't get rid of them. It shouldn't be about me."

Sandy goes to Ryan and pulls him to his chest and holds him tight. He leads Ryan back to the chairs and sits him down between the two of them. "Ryan, there aren't any saints around today and no one expects you to be one. Every person has thoughts that embarrass them occasionally. You can't beat yourself up for worrying about your future, for not wanting to go back to your old life. Ryan, you've only been with us a few months but something that Kirsten and I know about you, after just this short time, is that you are not like your mother. You do not put your own happiness, ccnvenience, or even safety ahead of that of others. If that were true, you wouldn't have accumulated the awesome collection of bruises and scrapes that you have since coming to us. Most of which were acquired getting our Seth out of bad situations of his own making." 

Kirsten takes Ryan's chin in her hand and raises his head so she can see his eyes. "No one knows what the future holds Ryan; but Sandy and I had a discussion about you after the cotillion. We made a decision that night." Ryan looks a question at her and she smiles. "No, we didn't discuss this with Seth. We already knew his opinion and we hoped that it would never be necessary to discuss this with you. Circumstances change, however. We decided that night that if you chose to stay with us we would not give you up to anyone. We'll run out the clock on anyone who tries to take you, be it the state or your parents."

Kirsten's face has become grim and in a voice that Ryan reckons belongs to Caleb Nichols's daughter rather than to Seth's mom she says, "My father has given me a lot of advice since I started to work for him. There's very little of his advice that I think would be of value to either you or Seth. But one thing he said that I agree with is that you never give up something that you believe in or that belongs to you without a fight. Sandy and I know that you belong with us. You'll be eighteen in two years. No one will be able to get past the legal barriers that we can throw up around you in that time."

She smiles at him and brushes the hair from his forehead. :"So young man, if you want to stay with us and can avoid committing any felonies for the next two years, Newport is your home. No one will take away your right to control your own future, Ryan. You are a part of this family now. There is no going back, no having second thoughts, no matter what happens today, or in the future." There is a slight hesitation in Kirsten's voice at the end that she covers by leaning forward and kissing Ryan on the cheek. His smile is dazzling, so sweet and free from the fear she has seen in it today that she knows that Ryan finally and genuinely believes that he is home to stay.

Kirsten settles back into her chair. Ryan shares the chair's armrest with her; they are holding hands. Sandy has his arm across Ryan's shoulder. He gives Kirsten's shoulder a soft squeeze and they share a sad smile across Ryan's head. A sudden weight on her shoulder tells Kirsten that the day has finally caught up with their iron man. Ryan has dozed off and is using her shoulder as his pillow. 

All they can do now , and perhaps it is not such a very small thing, is to be together as a family as they wait for what the future will bring.


End file.
